As human beings it doesn’t seem to matter what we have, who we are, or what we look like. We will always take notice of how we stack up. That’s reality. As a human you compare yourself to others, what they look like, have accomplished, and the list goes on and on. When we should be comparing ourselves to ourselves. How far have I come from where I was.
For me looking back at where I started, where I’ve been, and where I am now is quite the roller coaster novel of how many times one person can get knocked the hell down (or knock themselves down) and get back up and try again. And let me tell you, where I am now from where I have been. I did it, I am a very successful adult.
As 2023 creeps to a close, I have begun the downward slide to turning 40. Watching those that have reached this age before me (*cough* Jamie *cough*) makes me think man, 40 is going to be awesome I need to be at my peak by 40 and just be killing it at life. But how do I get there? How do I achieve what I want by 40, or achieve what others have by this age, be at my best physically at 40, own whatever I feel like I should own by this milestone?
I have always wanted to just age gracefully. I never used to dye my hair, wear make-up, or really have a beauty regime of sorts. I think that Jamie changed that in me for the better. I now wear mascara at times, I definitely dye my hair now, and I finally took up a whole skin care routine. I am also a walking advertisement that eye creams don’t work, or at least these long ass crow’s feet that fold through my skin with every smile say otherwise. I know many people that get Botox and love it, but I have an immense fear that I would be the botched job left with a crippled face. That’s just the luck that I have in life. I already have terrible fashion and two hairstyles locked down that I’m a pro at. I can’t also have a fucked-up face! There is only so much my great personality can pull me through. With that is also the reason I haven’t and 99.9% will never get the nose job I have so longed for since this thing beaked out of my face during puberty. I read the lists of how Jennifer Lopez looks the way she does at 50 and I’m like alright let’s do this. JLo doesn’t drink…well she can piss off on that one…as I sip the last of my wine. JLo also said once “the fear as a woman is if you’re too sexy, then you won’t be taken seriously.” Score! I must be the most seriously taken person ever because being too sexy has never been a fear that has crossed my mind. I shall count myself lucky and throw that one in the win column!
Again, this is where especially as women we can look at any other woman and pick apart what we want that they have, and we don’t. Hair, eyes, lips, nose, hips, boobs, clothes, money, house, the list is never ending. Sometimes I wonder is there anyone that looks at me or my life and says I want that? But I also think if there ever was, knowing that would feel super uncomfortable.
I had a conversation with my stepmom recently about how depressing it is to look in the mirror and think alright hell yeah, I look good today. Then you see a photo of yourself that same day and it makes you wince. How can you get to that point of I love the way I look; I’m killing it 24/7. I can sit here knowing that at the end of the day, I can take care of myself, pay all my own bills, I’m great at my job, have a group of amazing people in my life, man I’m fucking killing it! Every day I try to remind myself you’re happy, healthy, and have a great life. Maybe it’s just the human condition to pick yourself apart. Every blemish, gray hair, and wrinkle that appears will always be an internal sigh we just have to live with. But once you take a step away from the mirror then you start adding up the rest of the “things” you don’t have or haven’t accomplished. Cause it’s always fucking something… right?
In the past 6 months going through body changes from my endometriosis, surgery, stress, hormones, deployment this has been on my mind a lot trying to get my body back to what I’m used to. It hasn’t been going great just to be very clear. Added with the goals I had set for this deployment (none of them have been completed yet) and I have about two weeks left before I head home. I still have enough time to complete at least one of them. To say I have been feeling like I have failed is an understatement. I know that I have accomplished a lot, but I haven’t lost the weight, a qualification at work… not completed, and I ran out of time climbing Mt Fuji and missed making the summit by 300 meters. The weight and the qualification will happen they’re just going to take more time. Mt Fuji, that glorious bitch. Guess I’ll have to come back for her another day or year.
My list of goals like most people is forever growing, with a new item added to the list daily. You always hear people say live life in the moment if you’re always worried about the future you’ll miss out on what’s right in front of you. But hell if there isn’t always something else on the horizon. The moment you achieve one thing the next thing is already breathing down your neck, or is that just my job? I’ve asked myself in all this what’s the end game, what is the moment that I’ve just reached THE GOAL, the moment where well I did it, finally. What is it that I’m ultimately chasing? That is probably a question I need to be asking a therapist and not whoever is actually reading this. Until I figure it out, I’ll just keep washing my face, lacing up my boots, and trucking along.
Meander With Mal 